Friday, July 13, 2012

AD&D Monsters As Interpreted By The Illiterate

Imagine you're a little kid who can't read. One day you happen upon your older brother's AD&D MONSTER MANUAL. How scary! How exciting! What do you think about the monsters when the only information you have is the pictures?
 Goblins are sad and mysterious creatures possessed by an evil force. They don't like to fight, in fact they are cowards and prefer to always run away. But something compels them to charge into battle anyway! They scream in fear when they run at you. Sometimes they apologise.
 Nalfeshnee is your best friend. He's like a big fluffy gorilla guy with wings who helps you out. He knows about dangers and warns you not to go into bad places. But he's such a scaredy-cat that you shouldn't listen to him all the time or you'll never have any fun.
Bone is a skeleton scorpion man who goes around stealing things. If you catch him and shine a light on him, he will freeze and pretend to be a statue.
Storm giants play baseball with lightning bolts. When they're running to catch the ball they won't notice anyone in their path and they might trample on you. And if you want to get into their kingdom you have to beat them at baseball which is really hard.
Wererats are the coolest and laziest of monsters. They move around very slowly and don't do much except eat and sleep. Even if you attack them, they won't bother to get up until right before you're going to strike.
Mind flayers can shoot lightning bolts at you that give you the jitters. But they are even more afraid of you than you are of them. Once you are stunned by the jitters, the mind flayer will run away and hide behind a secret door.
Sahuagin are very strong fighters. They live on the beach and train their bodies by swimming every day. They are such good fighters that they can use arrows without needing a bow, they just throw the arrow at you and it goes right through.
 The catoblepas is a gross and annoying monster. It has an extensible neck so it can come right up close to you and tell a really bad joke. If you don't laugh, then it will keep telling jokes, and if you still don't laugh it will get angry and attack. Also its mouth drips black spit that will soak into anything and poison it.
Stirges are monsters born from old men who told too many lies. Their noses grew longer with each lie, and when it was too long they were transformed into wrinkly bats.
 Iron Golems are scientists. They won't hurt you, but they will pick you up and carry you back to their laboratory for experiments. No matter how they try, they can never understand how humans work.
Sprites are also known as 'Commander of the Flowers'. A sprite can order the flowers to get up, walk around and fight for him. But sometimes the flowers are disobedient, which is why he has to tell them off. If you attack him while he's doing this, you can start a flower revolution.

Other Ones I Couldn't Find Pictures Of On The Net But C'Mon I Bet You Have A Copy Of This Book At Home:
- Titans are very powerful but they're blind and almost deaf, so you can sneak up close to them and they won't notice.
- Skeletons are very dangerous but they have one weakness - if they meet another skeleton whom they knew in life, they have to stop what they're doing and wave hello to him. That's when you should strike.
- Giant octopuses are always crying. This is because they are secretly princesses who got cursed by a witch.
- Leprechauns ride on the backs of giant leeches.
- Flesh Golem just wants to be friends. He comes up behind you and slaps you on the back as a joke. Unfortunately he is so strong that it might break your spine or kill you.
- Ettins always walk on their tiptoes, which makes them very quiet. However they're also vulnerable to falling over if you can chop off their toes. They have a very good sense of smell and they are always sniffing their clubs to smell what they've been hitting. Once they get your smell on their club they can track you for fifty days.
- Giant ants cannot climb up your legs, so they are not dangerous as long as you're wearing boots. The only time they can hurt you is if you fall over. Because of this, they will build all sorts of traps and tripwires in their dungeons to knock over the humans, and then rush out to devour them.


  1. Truly awesome post. These versions are so much more interesting than their standard counterparts.

  2. These are great. I especially enjoyed the bone (devil) thief pretending to be a statue. Comedy gold right there.

    My own (inferior) efforts:

    Treants are cross because they can never find boots to fit their big wrinkly feet. If you're wearing big long boots, they will try to take them off you.

    Shriekers fart all the time from holes in their tops. The stink is so bad it can make your head explode if you don't hold on tight.

    1. I like yours too. The 'hold your head tightly' clause could lead to some hijinks for sure.

  3. Alternatively:

    Shriekers are shadowy dark dwarves with a special power. If they concentrate hard enough they can make toadstools play a tune.

  4. HeeHeeHeeHeeHee

    This post has me compulsively giggling.

    To join in:

    Bulettes think they're very suave, and try to talk like Pepe le Pew. They are always chasing people up trees to practice their smooth line of chat.